


all that you are

by possumdnp



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Depression (implied but not discussed), Established Relationship, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2020-10-09
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:47:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26903104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/possumdnp/pseuds/possumdnp
Summary: “I don’t want to speak for him too much,” he says. “We’re best friends, arch enemies, husbands, business partners, partners in crime, soul mates, just mates, who the fuck knows?”Snippets of life: this is what they are to each other.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 28
Kudos: 133





	all that you are

**Author's Note:**

> I took the quote from Dan’s new article and ran with it! These are little glimpses of their life over the last decade-plus.

**Best Friends**  
**[ 2019 ]**

“I’m such a shit writer.”

“You’re not, Dan. It’s really good.”

“You’re my best friend, you _have_ to say it’s good.” Dan sinks down into his chair and rubs his eyes. He’s been working on this book for too long today.

Phil rubs his back. “I’m not just saying it as your friend, or your partner, or anything else. I think this book’s gonna be amazing. It’s gonna help so many people.”

Dan closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. “I know that. And I actually believe it, like, eighty percent of the time. It’s just the other twenty percent of the time that I start thinking it’s rubbish.”

“You know what _is_ actual rubbish? The video I’m working on. Why did I ever think it was a good idea to do a Norman-inspired makeup look?”

Dan remembers the sparkles that still cover their floor downstairs. “I love the idea, Phil. It’s gonna be such a funny video.”

“Thanks,” Phil says, then laughs. “I honestly didn’t mean to turn this into a _‘let’s aggressively compliment each other’_ session, honest. I just came up here to say that we’ve both been working too long. I think we should both take the rest of the day off and just relax. No work, no projects. Just two bros, chillin’ on the sofa.”

Dan looks up at him. “Yeah?”

“Mmhmmm. I think your book and my video will both look a lot better in the morning, when we’ve taken some time away.”

Dan smiles and stands up. “Okay. But we’re gonna make this afternoon _proper_ fun. Let’s play Luigi’s Mansion and order takeaway from that good Indian place. With peshwari naan and everything.”

“Didn’t need much convincing, did you?”

“Nope. Race you downstairs?”

**Arch Enemies**  
**[ 2017 ]**

“You. Absolute. Cunt!” Dan shrieks like a hyena, and Phil laughs.

“Dan! Now we have to sensor that. We _absolutely_ can’t say that word on the gaming channel.”

“Fuck this game, honestly,” Dan says, pushing the mouse away from him, as if they don’t have five more rounds of golf to get through.

Phil sticks his tongue out at Dan. “You’re just jealous of my superior golf skills.”

“No, I just hate this game. And this itchy hat. And you being fifteen points ahead of me. I’m _never_ gonna catch up.”

Phil grins. Dan is _such_ a sore loser. “Just admit it, I’m a better golfer, Danny.”

Dan just glares at him. The golf ball on top of his hat swings comically, which undermines his sour look.

“Hey,” Phil says. “D’you think there’s another universe where we’re _actually_ caddy lads, and we have an enemies-to-lovers relationship, and we end up passionately making out in a super fancy golf cart because we secretly can’t resist each other?”

Dan raises an eyebrow. “And you get mad at me for having to sensor the word ‘cunt’? We're definitely gonna have to cut all of this out of the final video.”

“Yup, I know.”

Dan grins. “Well, I think we’re _already_ in an enemies-to-lovers caddy lad relationship, bud.” He shoves at Phil’s shoulder before pulling him in for a quick kiss. “Now let’s get back to this stupid fucking game before it crashes yet again.”

**Husbands**  
**[ 2015 ]**

“We should get married,” Dan says drowsily.

Phil looks over. “Is that the jet-lag or the orgasm speaking? Because we can’t get married right now. We’re not wearing pants.”

Dan scoffs. “Bitch, don’t joke. I’m trying to have a romantic conversation here.”

Phil rolls over onto his side and puts his head against Dan’s chest. “Okay, fine. Romance me up.” Maybe he’s a little jet-lagged too. Or orgasm-drunk. It’s hard to tell.

“I should clarify that I’m not, like, _actually_ proposing here,” Dan says. “I’d like to think I’d do it better than proposing naked and half-asleep in a Japanese hotel bed.”

“I mean. That was always my dream proposal. Thanks for ruining it.”

Dan elbows him, and they fall silent for a few moments before he starts speaking again. “I guess I started thinking about it on the plane. You were sleeping, and I was reading the stupid in-flight magazine. And then I saw this, look.” He reaches over and pulls a Japan Airlines magazine out of his bag, which is right beside the bed. He flips it open to a dog-eared page and shows it to Phil.

It’s the most beautiful garden he’s ever seen. There’s lush greenery and a pond surrounding a clearing where fifty chairs are set up. The cherry blossoms are in bloom, framing a happy couple.

“I mean, I know it’s not realistic. I don’t even think gay marriage is legal in Japan. But imagine if it were. We could have such a fancy, spontaneous wedding here.”

Phil imagines it then, a perfect world where getting married is legal in this country they’re visiting. He imagines them getting hitched just because they love each other and they can. Kissing Dan for the first time as husbands, as cherry blossoms rain down on them. It’s romantic as fuck.

But no. They’re here on a much-needed holiday to tour this country that they’ve always dreamed of visiting. They’re gonna spend time with Duncan and Mimei, and have tons of fun, non-marriage-related adventures.

“I think I want my mum and dad there if we get married,” Phil says. “I want to celebrate with them.”

Dan sets the magazine aside and rolls back over to spoon Phil. “I know. I want them there too. And all of our friends.” He doesn’t mention his own family, and Phil doesn’t press. It’s a sore subject for him, and this holiday is for good thoughts only.

“It’s still gonna be a good wedding, even if we do it in boring old England,” Phil says. “I mean, if we even decide to get married at all.”

“Well, I _know_ I’m gonna marry you one day, even if it’s just to stand up in front of our friends and family and tell them just how much I love you. And it’s gonna be the most beautiful fucking wedding anyone will have ever seen. Everyone’s gonna cry, especially me.”

Phil grins and tucks himself closer to Dan. Dan’s arm wraps around Phil’s chest so that his hand is pressed right over his heart.

“I can’t wait.”

**Business Partners**  
**[ 2015 ]**

It’s hard sometimes, living with the person you’re working with.

It’s hard to spend a whole day together rehearsing a stage show and talking about ticket sales, and then coming home and planning your next YouTube video together.

Sometimes, they just get annoyed with seeing each other’s faces all the time, especially if they have a disagreement.

Today, that disagreement was about tour merch, of all things.

Dan stares up at the ceiling of his bedroom. It’s nice, actually, having two bedrooms. Dan loves sleeping with Phil. Of course he does. Phil is warm and good at cuddling. But sometimes, they both need to be alone in their own spaces.

_Stupid Phil and Martyn._ Always siding with each other over tour stuff. As if Dan’s a stupid little kid that doesn’t know anything about money.

He glares up, eyes tracing the crack that runs across the ceiling, right over his bed.

The thing is… he knows he was acting childishly today. He’s still acting childish right now, isolating himself in his room because he’s too goddamn tired and annoyed to do anything but lay here like a slug.

There’s a soft knock at his door.

“Hey. It’s me. Can I come in?”

“Yeah,” Dan grunts, and Phil pushes open the door. He’s wearing a hoodie and pyjama pants, looking just as exhausted as Dan feels. Even though Dan’s still upset, he also feels bad. Phil’s worked just as hard as he has. He doesn’t deserve to have Dan being angry at him.

“Are you okay?” Phil asks. He’s hovering tentatively by Dan’s bed, as if he’s not quite sure whether he’s allowed to approach.

Dan sighs and closes his eyes. “I’m tired, I reckon.”

“Me too.” Dan feels the bed sink a little as Phil sits down next to him. “I just wanted to say that I’m sorry, Dan. I was short with you today, and I shouldn’t have been.”

“It’s kinda my fault too,” Dan mumbles. “I totally checked out this afternoon and stopped listening to what you and Martyn were saying.” He opens his eyes and sits up. “I think I’m just overwhelmed with the tour and everything.”

“It’s a lot, isn’t it?”

He nods. “Too much, sometimes. But it’ll be worth it. To make people smile, and to see our subscribers in person.”

“I know.” Phil takes Dan’s hand. “D’you want to talk about the merch stuff? Like, why you got so upset? I don’t want us to go to bed angry at each other.”

Dan chews on his lip. “I think that sometimes, I feel like you and Martyn have the merch all figured out. Like, Martyn understands the numbers, and you have all of these great design ideas. I don’t know where I fit in sometimes.”

“What do you mean?” Phil says. “You have great ideas, Dan. We couldn’t do it without you.”

“I guess sometimes, I’m worried that it’s too expensive. I just want things to be affordable for our subscribers. I don’t want to be that guy who sells a hoodie with a simple, shitty graphic on it for fifty pounds, just ‘cause people will buy it.”

“And you won’t be. _We_ won’t be.” Phil squeezes his hand. “You know what Martyn was telling me today? He thinks we could actually start our own merch company after TATINOF is over. Then we won’t be tied down to what District Lines can produce, or the prices that they sell things for. Cutting out the middleman, y’know?”

Dan sits up taller, interested. “Really?”

“Yeah. It’s really cool. From what he was saying, we could even make merch like socks and candles someday. Y’know, cool stuff that’s not like what other YouTubers are selling.”

“Oh my god, Phil. That’s so fucking cool.”

“Yeah. I mean, it’s too late for this tour, obviously. But Mar says that he thinks we could do it in the next couple of years.”

Dan’s head is spinning with tiredness and excitement. He squeezes Phil’s hand. “Listen. I’m sorry too. I was acting really shitty and childish today. I shouldn’t have walked off in the middle of a conversation like that.”

“Apology accepted,” Phil says, in a voice that’s too gentle for what Dan thinks he deserves. “But if you’re ever feeling that way again, could you please talk to us instead of bottling it up? We really do work best when the three of us work together.”

Dan nods. He still feels ashamed for being argumentative and stubborn earlier, but talking to Phil has helped soothe him. He doesn’t feel like the world’s going to end, or like Phil secretly hates him.

“Now,” Phil says. “Should we watch something or go straight to bed?”

“Bed,” Dan says. “I’m actually about to fall asleep.”

**Partners In Crime**  
**[ 2011 ]**

“I swear you guys have some sort of… mind-meld thing going on,” Martyn complains. _“Mum._ It isn’t fair to have them be on the same team together. Dan literally guessed ‘pickle’ from Phil drawing, like, two lines.”

Kath looks like she’s about to burst out laughing. “Okay, settle down Mar. It’s just a game. We’ll finish this round, and then we’ll switch around the teams.”

Phil sticks out his chin stubbornly. “You’re just jealous of me and Dan’s superior Pictionary skills.”

“You mean _your creepy mind-meld powers,”_ Martyn whispers, and Phil kicks at him under the table.

“Boys,” Nigel warns, and just like when they were children, they settle down quickly.

Phil can’t help it that he and Dan can read each other so well. It’s not a mind-meld, really, not like it is in those sci-fi films. It’s that they spend so much goddamn time together that they just understand each other instinctually.

It’s something that happens with best friends. He had it with Ian to a degree, when they were teenagers and spending most of their waking hours together. And now he has it tenfold with Dan.

When he and Dan win Pictionary by a landslide, Martyn groans. “Rematch. We’re playing another round, and I want Phil on my team. Maybe brothers have a psychic connection too.”

(Martyn and Phil lose spectacularly to Nigel and Cornelia, and Game Night quickly turns into Movie Night to avoid any more squabbles.)

**Soulmates**  
**[ 2009 ]**

They’re out in Phil’s backyard when he tells Dan that he loves him for the first time.

It’s the snowiest winter Phil can remember. Christmas is just in a few days, but that hasn’t kept them apart. It’s cold outside, but that hasn’t stopped them from traipsing outside in the snow, enjoying being together in this winter wonderland.

He keeps looking over at Dan, because he’s so damn cute and pretty and hot and… all of the best adjectives in the world. He’s wearing this ridiculously fuzzy hat that Phil adores.

And… “I love you, Dan” just slips out without thought.

After he says it, Dan looks up to meet his eyes. His face is half-hidden in shadow, only visible by the faint light of the moon reflecting off the snow. But Phil thinks he sees Dan’s eyes fill with tears.

“I love you too, Phil. So much.” His voice breaks a little, and he ducks his head. His cheeks are red because his coat’s not nearly warm enough. It makes Phil want to wrap him up in the biggest hug ever to warm him up.

And then he remembers that they’re boyfriends now, and they’re not on Skype with hundreds of kilometres between them right now, so he steps forward and wraps Dan into a big hug.

Dan exhales into Phil’s shoulder, and they stand together right there, in the middle of a snowdrift. “I can’t believe you’re actually real and that I’m here with you. And that you love me.”

Phil pulls back. “Me neither.”

Dan looks down at the ground. “I think that maybe, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.”

Phil pulls him into another hug, tighter this time. Dan hasn’t told him everything about his past, not yet. But from what Phil does know, Dan had it rough growing up. He wishes that if only he could hug Dan tight enough, he could take away all of the pain and hurt that this boy has experienced. (He knows it doesn’t work that way, but he’s gonna try his hardest.)

“Do you believe in soulmates, Phil?” Dan whispers against his neck.

“I dunno. I guess I never really thought about it. What about you?”

“I never used to. And then I somehow met you, even though we lived so far apart. Do you ever think how unlikely it is that we met?”

Phil’s heart twists at the thought that there’s other universes in which they’ve never met. “I don’t care if we’re soulmates, or if it’s fate or luck. I’m just glad it happened. Meeting you.”

“You’re maybe the best person I’ve ever met,” Dan breathes, and Phil can’t help but kiss him.

**Just Mates**  
**[ 2019 ]**

They still act like “just mates” sometimes, even though they’re out to the whole world and most people assume they’re together. And it’s not like they’re lying or pretending. They _are_ mates. Dan fucking loves that he and Phil, at their core, are best mates.

It’s just... even though Dan’s feeling so much more comfortable in his skin since coming out, it can still be hard to be out and proud without spiraling into doubt sometimes.

And even though Phil can happily call himself gay and insert a dozen dick jokes into a single YouTube video, it’s still hard for him to be that open in front of other people when they’re right in front of him.

It’s fucking hard.

Which is why, sometimes, they’re “just mates.”

Like when Dan’s invited to his cousin’s wedding. She was one of his family members that he honestly thought he was going to have to cut ties with when he came out, but she ended up having a decently neutral reaction.

Still, they’ve never been close. He hadn’t really wanted to go to the wedding, but Dan’s mum is really close to her sister - the mum of Dan’s cousin.

So Dan is attending because his mum asked him to - but not without Phil as his plus-one.

It’s not something he’s really done in the past, bring Phil along to endure his family. But Dan doesn’t think he can handle this wedding alone, and the worst his family can assume is that they’re dating.

No one even asks.

They stand a respectable two feet apart from each other. They don’t slow dance together at the reception, even though Dan notices Phil tapping his foot to the beat of the music and looking at the twirling straight couples wistfully.

They politely ignore the weird, quizzical expression that the groom keeps shooting their way. They both smile coolly when he asks his new wife - slightly too loudly - if _that curly-haired guy is that famous gay cousin you were talking about._

Dan takes a calming breath and reminds himself that his mum asked him to be here. He’s doing this for her.

Phil looks over at him and bumps his foot under the table. “Hey. You okay?”

Dan shakes his head. “I kinda hate this. I wish I’d just told my mum we were busy today.”

Phil nods. “I know. But we’ve only got a little while left.” He takes a sip of his wine, then brightens. “Hey, I know what would make it better. You want to play the one-word story game?”

Dan nods. It’s a good suggestion, actually. It’s a game they’ve been playing ever since their first tour. It’s helped get them through many hours of Phil feeling carsick, and Dan feeling anxious.

So one word at a time, they start spinning a stupid tale of an angry goat with magical powers. They’re a little bit wine drunk at this point, and they have to contain their laughter so they don’t draw too much attention to their corner of the reception hall.

But it makes this boring, awkward family wedding so much better.

Being “just mates” really does have its perks.

**Who The Fuck Knows?**  
**[ 2020 ]**

Honestly, Dan never thought it would be like this, being in a long-term relationship with a guy.

When he was fourteen, he would sit in his room and play Final Fantasy and feel like he’d probably be alone for the rest of his life.

That he’d have to be okay with only having friends for the rest of his life. It wouldn’t be a bad life, really. (He just needed to get new friends who don’t suck.)

But he secretly wanted what his friend Andy had with his girlfriend. Or what all those straight couples had on tv. Someone to spend time with, and go on dates with, and kiss, and have sex with, and live with one day.

He yearned for it in a deep way that made him cry himself to sleep some nights if he thought about it for too long.

When he was sixteen, he kissed a guy for the first time. One of the emos he hung out with. He wasn’t in love with him or anything, but it felt good. He thought that maybe, this was it. This was the guy he would date, and life would start shaping up.

And then the guy moved schools and never talked to him again.

He lay in bed for the rest of the weekend after the guy moved away and thought that maybe _this_ was all being gay would ever amount to. That he would never actually be in love. That he was just a super weird guy for wanting a proper romantic relationship with a guy he actually loves.

He didn’t know back then that he would meet Phil in just a few short years, that they would become what they are, all these years later.

And what _are_ they, he and Phil?

Fuck if he knows. There's not really an easy way to label them. They’re best friends who like to kiss and boyfriends who love spending all of their time together. They’re business partners and life partners. They’re soulmates who understand each other without ever having to speak a word, and arch nemeses who glare at each other over stupid things like a stray sock that somehow ended up on the kitchen counter.

They're all of those things, wrapped into one relationship, and it’s so much better than anything Dan’s younger self could’ve ever imagined.

**Author's Note:**

> [Reblog here!](https://possumdnp.tumblr.com/post/631466655281807360/all-that-you-are-t-35k-i-dont-want-to-speak)


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